04.07.04 - 5:30 p.m.
elliott smith, florida, and marijuana

a few weeks ago i was bumming around on e-bay (imagine that!) and wound up bidding on some rare elliott smith cd. well, i didn't win it...but i'm not the type of person to pay $50 for a cd anyway. so the next time i checked my e-mail there was something from this guy in the uk telling me about all this rare and live elliott smith stuff he has and he'd be happy to burn it all for me...all he would charge is postage and for the cost of the cd's. i was hesitant but figured 'what the hell'.

well, this guy came through...he sent me 7 cd's...a total of 140 songs...i am so stoked! i have been in an elliott smith coma for a couple days now, and i don't see it ending any time soon. i can't get enough.

and my couch-crashing brother justin just left for florida with his friend's family for 10 whole days. they're staying in a condo in panama city. how come none of my friends ever invited me on a FREE family vacation when i was younger? sheesh. what a lucky kid.

here's my stupid ass spending an arm and a leg on fucking e-bay when i'm supposed to be saving for a car. at least i'll have 2 new fantastic bags (prada and coach, thank you very much) and a new printer/scanner. yup, lots o' money. oh yeah, and i have to buy a new bed this week too. ugh.

and i still haven't done my taxes. slacker!

i've gone through millions of different emotions with this john thing over the past couple of weeks. every time i've sat down to write about it and get it out of my head i have nothing to say. it's the same thing whenever he tries to talk to me about 'things'.

as of right now i can't exactly say why i've been feeling the way i have, but i can definitely see some contributing factors. one is definitely the position i've been put in as far as taking care of my brother. believe me, i don't have any problem with doing this, but i feel as though i've become a mother-figure, of sorts. and this isn't stressful to me, but now i've got to think about someone besides myself...make sure he goes to school, eats, has money, etc...he's 19, so he pretty much knows how to take care of himself, but he's also still finishing high school, and i have to make sure that he DOES finish high school.

john doesn't quite get why i worry about justin so much, and he definitely doesn't understand why my head is in a different place right now. all of the little things that have been going on for the last year are now culminating into this HUGE thing in my head, and i just need a little time to sort it out. but i can't just tackle everything all at once...geez, one thing at a time.

people deal with things differently...john has a tendency to become irrational about things, whereas i tend to try to think things through with a little more logic. for instance, yesterday he informed me that on tuesday when he went to see his p.o. she informed him that his last drug test came back positive for marijuana which, of course, is a violation of probation. but here's the thing...his test came back showing 27 parts thc out of a possible 300. a heavy smoker would come up as 200-300 parts. someone who smokes once a week or so would come up as 100-200. someone who rarely ever smokes but had just done so within a couple days of the test would come up anywhere between 50-300, depending on how recently they had it. 27 parts is a trace amount...only 2 parts above the legal minimum for 'cause for concern or action' of 25. anything below 25 is not considered.

with that being said, in all honesty, i know that john did not smoke anything. his drugs of choice were cocaine/crack or opiates...in the three years that we've been together (on and off) he's smoked pot one time, and that was at least 2 years ago. if he were going to break down, he'd get some coke or something...not smoke pot...they're not even remotely the same drug.

anyway, i did some research on false-positives in urinalysis drug testing, and found out some interesting things which i told him to tell his p.o. common things like ibuprofin, over the counter sleeping aids, and even riboflavin can cause a drug test to come back positive for thc. and considering that he only had a trace amount in his system, one of the above could likely be the culprit. but there is also the possibility of the test just being inaccurate because statistically this is probably more likely.

anyway, john's been freaking out over all of this the past few days, and now he won't have the results of his re-test until monday. personally, i don't think he's got to worry too much. but hey, nobody in their right mind wants to go to prison.

and on that note, i must eat. i'm totally starvin' marvin.

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