06.24.04 - 3:44 a.m.
darling who?

no prince concert for me. i really hate my job right now and everyone i work with. seriously. they can all fuck off. bye bye $90 i spent on prince ticket...bye bye.

and there's been some sort of revolt going on in my guts for the past 48 hours. i've hardly been able to eat anything...and needless to say, i made sure not to eat before i went to work. bartending while feeling like you're going to shit your pants is no fun. besides that, you people have never had the pleasure of seeing the bathroom in the bar i work at. it's not pretty. ever see the bathroom scene in trainspotting? the only difference is that the bathroom at the bar is a little brighter...

so i came home and had some pizza...probably not the wisest thing to eat right now, but dammit! i was fucking starving. by the end of the night i was shaking and ready to pass out from having not eaten. now my stomach hurts. i can't win. ever.

so nikki's latest entry got me thinkin'. man, i'm a pretty fucking lonely person myself. pretty much the only time i'm not around people is when i'm sleeping...but it doesn't really seem to make me feel any different.

all through high school and then several years after i moved out on my own, i had tons of "friends"...i was always at a party, at a show, or people were at my house...whatever. back then i actually had the ambition to get to know people and people wanted to know me. there was always something to do and someone to do it with...

but then something happened to me. now i don't mean any one particular incident, but something changed in me...and i haven't been the same. yeah, i've had my share of getting screwed over by people...probably more than the average person...maybe (here comes the cliche) i lost a little faith in people. eventually, i became a very sad and lonely person, and i just can't quite get myself out of it.

there was a period of 2 1/2 years that i lived by myself, i think it was '98-'01. at first it was just fucking awesome...my house was always clean and quiet, i could walk around wearing whatever or nothing at all, and if my phone never rang no one knew it but me. yup, i got so lonely, just me and my cat. sure, i went out a lot and i still had friends, but something was definitely missing.

but 3 years later i'm still feeling the same...only now i have to clean up after people and close the door while i change or go to the bathroom.

i find myself genuinely disinterested in most people these days, and trust me, when you're a bartender everyone thinks you're their friend. but the thing is, if i never started working in a bar, i would probably have absolutely no social life. sad. work is my social life! yikes!

i am surrounded by people that care about me...i live with my 2 brothers, i have a loving boyfriend, and i have a few close friends that i know would do anything for me. but i remain unfulfilled...and lonely.

people always give me ideas to get me out of this "slump", or whatever you want to call it...but nothing ever works. get a hobby...i now have a guitar collecting dust and sewing machine that's still in its box. exercise or revitalize in some way...ok, so i go for a couple of walks and then my feet hurt when i go to work or i do pilates and my entire body wants to kill me. go to school and get motivated!...sure, financial aid just loves me (single white females get the short end of the stick, folks). blah blah blah.

it comes down to this...i'm lazy and lack any kind of motivation or ambition to do or be anything. and right now i hardly give a shit. i will probably be a lonely bitch the rest of my life...how can it really change? i'll just continue on the way everyone else does with a stupid smile on my face and live life. and so it goes...

maybe this is why i enjoy drinking so much...oh yeah, and charles bukowski.

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