07.07.04 - 3:52 a.m.
misc. bullshit, as usual

so far so good with the whole getting to bed early and such...until tonight. oh well. i swear i'll go to sleep as soon as i'm done with this. i swear!

so my youngest bro just got a car for graduation...i drove with him through downtown milwaukee rush-hour traffic today. i'm still alive! seriously, he did pretty damn well, and i'm proud of him. he's had his license for awhile but nothing to drive, so he's not very experienced yet...but he's doing his big sister proud...so long as he doesn't take after our other brother. he's one of those types that speeds up really fast only to ride the ass of the person in front of him no matter how fast or slow they're driving. i hate that shit. plus, he gets really angry...i always think of bill murray in 'groundhog day'..."don't drive angry!".

'groundhog day' is actually a pretty decent movie. i get a kick out of it every time i see it. damn that bill murray for being so charismatic.

i just figured out that i left a comment for every new diary entry on my buddy list tonight. thanks for making me feel as though i had something to share...even though i'm not all that important.

john started a huge fight with me last night. we went out with eva and joe to a couple bars in my neighborhood...i was still driving the rented mustang, so i didn't really want to go too far from home if i was going to be drinking. john and i were getting in the car to come home and he asked me to drive to the convenience store so he could buy cigarettes...what the fuck? i told him no because 1)the store was too far to drive because i had been drinking 2)i was driving a $25,000 car that wasn't mine 3)my house was only 3 blocks away and the fact that i was even driving that far was pretty stupid 4)why the fuck didn't you buy fucking cigarettes at the fucking bar?

he proceeded to get out of the car, told me how "insensitive" i was being, and gave me the finger as he walked away.

what?

so i just drove home, but first i turned my phone off because i knew he'd be calling.

today when i turned my phone back on i had 15 messages from him...they were all basically the same. i'm such a selfish person, he drives me where ever i need to go, i'm such a bitch, all his friends think i'm a bitch, blah blah blah.

whatever.

if he only knew what his friends said to me about him. geez. HIS friends...not mine.

anyway, i'm so tired of this crap. he wonders why i'm so distant and seemingly uncaring...

well i'm tired of him throwing shit in my face all the time. anytime i don't do something he wants me to or i don't act the way he wants me to, i'm fucking satan. but he can go along his merry way acting like a dickhead and it's all good.

ugh. all this because i told him i wouldn't drive my rental car across the neighborhood while i was kind of drunk so HE could buy cigarettes that he could actually walk back into the bar right up the block and get.

ridiculous.

and i'm the bad guy, of course. i am such a mean, nasty, piece of shit. that's me. selfish and bitchy.

here's the thing...because of my lack of a working vehicle, john offers to take me places all the time. key word is "offers". i never ask, and i certainly don't ask him to drive around town while he's drunk either. it's such bullshit. of course i appreciate the help, but i'm just fine on my own...especially if it's just going to get thrown in my face.

i'm back where i was a couple of months ago...what do i do with this relationship? i love him, but sometimes i can not stand him. i don't get it.

right now i just have so many things that occupy my mind and attention...i try to talk to him about it, but he doesn't understand. according to him, HE should be number one on my list. i understand this to a degree, but i learned a long, long time ago that the only person that should be number one is your own self. this is not being selfish...this is self-preservation. too many times i've put other people and their expectations and wants in front of my own...and i was so damn unhappy.

i can't find a happy medium with this, and i fear that john will never get it.

enough of this...i have to go to bed and this is the last thing i want to be thinking about because it will just give me anxiety and i'll never fall asleep.

ok, deep breath.

so there's this dog in my neighborhood that sounds like a seal when it barks. whenever i hear it, i just picture this cute little seal clapping its (what the fuck do you call those things?) arms, i guess, together and "barking". my brother does quite a good impression of it, but i still find it quite annoying.

i will never understand why so many people that live in the city have to own dogs. they keep these poor animals couped up in the house all day, and then when they actually get outside they totally misbehave.

it's one thing if you actually have some sort of backyard to let your dog run around in or if you actually take your dog for walks every day...but most of these people do not. if these people want low-maintenance companionship they should get a fucking gerbil or something.

if you can't take care of your pet properly, THEN DON'T GET ONE.

enough said.

i am sleepy.

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