08.28.04 - 4:41 a.m.
finish line

i think this is it.

i think i'm done.

i don't think i'm in love anymore.

what do i do?

what do i say?

i've never had to do this before and don't know if i can.

john and i haven't been getting along for months. there's so much to it, yet it's quite simple...i just don't love him like i should.

that's it.

i find myself avoiding his calls...avoiding hanging out with him...avoiding sleeping in the same bed with him...avoiding touching...avoiding his kiss...

just avoiding.

but i think about all the things we ever wanted...together. and i still feel like i want those things, but right now, ugh, right now i just DON'T.

and the thing is that i've pretty much told him this...asked for some time to just be by myself, but he always ends up calling me and calling me and calling me. if i don't answer he stops by my house.

why doesn't he get it?

i'm feeling obligated to him...obligated to hang out or call or have sex or whatever. that's not how one is supposed to feel in a relationship.

or am i just being selfish? that's what john says, anyway...i'm selfish and uncaring and mean.

but i tell him how i'm feeling and he's the one that can't accept it and continues on 'business as usual'.

what's my problem?

i'm torn.

and i feel like an asshole.

he keeps asking me "what do you want to do for your birthday?"...and i keep telling him i don't care. but i do care. i don't feel like having him around, making a big deal out of it.

he makes big deals about things now, but i feel like it's too late.

he didn't care about shit the first half of our relationship. actually, that's not entirely true...he cared about getting high and me finding out about his drug addiction. i was totally head over heels then...now he's clean and i'm in a ditch.

what's wrong with me?

i wish i could go back a year and start this all over again. wow, we've only been back together for a year yet it feels like forever.

there's no one else, nor do i want there to be...so what's the deal here?

i just can't be with him right now.

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