09.13.04 - 2:37 a.m.
awkward

i hung out with the crush tonight. it felt so good...but i also feel so guilty. i'm totally in the wrong and i know it...but this high just won't go away.

when was the last time i felt like this? god, i can't even remember. the last crush i had was during the time john and i weren't together...but it didn't feel like this. that crush was just a "fun" thing...nothing that i ever really acted on, even when given the opportunity.

bryan...that's his name. i saw him at work on saturday. i asked him what he'd be doing tonight. he said he got off work at 11 and i should meet him if i wanted to.

so stacy and i went to the bar where he works. then the three of us went to another bar. then just he and i went back to pick up his bike.

he asked me if i had a boyfriend...he had heard that i did.

i had been running this scenario through my head for days...what should i do? i was honest with him and told him that techically i did, but i also went on to say that i knew it was over but that i was being a total coward and hadn't done anything about it...yet.

this is so unlike me. i've never in my life had thoughts about or hung out with another guy when i was dating someone else.

i feel like an asshole and told him that...what right do i have to put someone else in such an awkward position?

he asked if i felt guilty. i said yes...and i will probably feel this way for awhile.

he also told me that he wanted to kiss me...and i told him i wanted to kiss him too, but i couldn't. not now. not until my ties are severed. and i also told him that a first kiss wasn't supposed to happen like that...the two of us sitting in a running car on the side of the road, discussing the demise of my current relationship.

he's calling me. we're going to hang out again...very soon. maybe even monday night. somewhere in that time i have to do something about john. it kills me. i know that i'm not breaking up with john JUST to go out with someone else, yet i feel incredibly guilty about it all. i've wanted and needed to do this for so long...i guess now i have incentive. ugh, that sounds so bad.

but dammit, i haven't felt like this in so long.

and it feels so nice.

bryan said that he never thought that i'd give him the time of day. i don't get that.

i'm such a jerk.

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