05.10.01 - 8:46 p.m.

man, lately i've had no time to write. now i have to squeeze in a little something while watching e.r. before heading off to work. ho's not as though i do much of anything during the day. i only work nights. sheesh.

my days have consisted of much sleep lately. i've had john over several times, but i have been incredibly good...and i mean that in the most innocent sense. my feelings for him are still a little unstable. i mean, i do like him, but i just still don't know quite what to make of everything. we never run out of anything to talk about, and i know that i am attracted to him...yet there seems to be something missing. it's a shame really because it seems that the last time i really actually wanted someone, wanted them with every ounce of everything inside of me, was the last jon i dated. ugh. i hate admitting it, but it is true. that jon was a bad bad bad part of my life, and sadly is still around. i no longer have feelings for him other than that of pity and distaste, but unfortunately we share many of the same friends and interests. hence, now that he is back from tour, i see him around more than i wish to. ::sigh::

when i dated the first jon i was at a point where i had gone for over 4 years of not dating dates, no sex, no kisses, no nothing. people find it hard to believe. why? why is it so unusual for that to happen? but i digress....needless to say, i was soooooooo into jon when it first happened. it had been so fucking long, and he said and did all the things i had been waiting for. it took a couple months for me to realize what a selfish asshole he really was though. oh well. live and learn. maybe i'll actually write down this whole story one of these, dear reader, should be so lucky. ha!

the differences between the two jons extend way beyond the fact that one uses an "h" in his name and the other does not. this is a very good thing. the new john will be coming to visit me at work tonight. will he stick around to give me a ride home? hmmmm...

tomorrow my brother turns 17. jesus fucking christ! i remember when that little shit was born. my mom brought him in to my 3rd grade class for show and tell. now he's obsessed with insane clown posse. good god...what the hell is happening to the youth of today?

time to get ready for work. hopefully it will be's raining. i wish i could stay home and just enjoy the smell of the rain coming in through my windows.

it seems i've been added to someone's favorite diaries. keep reading scottish lass.

'like glass shattering in a clean break, this is the art of a mistake, and we were like kids with a shotgun, blowing up words til there were none, and maybe i'm too young to be playing with this gun, i thought that i could destroy it, aimed shot and fired missed the target, but you keep coming back, hand me fractured words through the lense of time, and some things can't be burned even when they yearn to die' ida

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