05.12.01 - 4:20 p.m.
i'm tired, so tired...

i was sitting in this very spot just 12 hours ago, but i could not get my computer to cooperate. hence, i am here once again.

sex. i admit it. i did it. oh well. i told myself over and over again that i would wait, but it came down to it and waiting was not an option. we were up until noon yesterday. needless to say, i was pretty exhausted at work last night and sleeping was wonderful.

it seems as though i should feel differently now, but i do not. sex is something that isn't that big of a deal to me; therefore, i don't make it a point to get it whenever possible. john told stacy that he's really into me and he's so happy, but i am ashamed to say that i still feel rather indifferent. and i had sex with him anyway. does this make me a horrible person? because i honestly don't feel that bad about it. still just playing it by ear i guess.

john and i are very compatible, physically as well as intellectually. this is why i can't understand my hesitancy to dive in. caution. why?

confession...i think i may still have a crush on mark. this is something that i don't think will ever just go away, unfortunately. it's strange. what makes it even stranger is that he's not even in town right now and hasn't been for several weeks. he'll be back soon, and i am bound to run into him. don't get me wrong, i would not and could not act upon this as long as i am still involved with john. there are so many "what ifs" though. i have never, could never, and will never cheat...even if it's a person i've only been seeing for a short period of time. not that i'm saying i'll have the opportunity, but it's just something that ran across my mind. plus my friends ask me what i would do all the time. ugh.

john just called just to say hi. yikes!

i feel terrible. yesterday was my brother's birthday, but i didn't know where to find him so i never got to wish him a good one. then i talked to my mom for the first time in 2 weeks today. and tomorrow is mother's day. jesus.

nothing to do today!

'i need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain i'd be scared that there's nothing underneath and who are my real friends? have they all got the bends? am i really sinking this low?' radiohead

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