04.30.03 - 4:58 a.m.

a million and one years. that is how long it feels like since i've written in this thing. it's not really ALL laziness...really. i've been without computer access for over a year. now i've got my own...not some silly roommate's.

sheesh. so much has been on my mind. so much has happened. it seems fruitless to try to even begin, but this is supposed to be for me, right? vent, nicki, vent. yeah.

this past year was probably one of the most difficult i've experienced in all of my 27 years and some odd months. yet i feel okay. i'm still wandering and wondering, but i'm oddly "okay". so i guess this is growing up (i know, blink 182...shut up!). coming to terms with a whole lot of bullshit is basically what it's all come down to.

so i wasted a year and a half with a guy that did nothing but lie to me and fuck with my head. i reread my older entries from the time that john and i first got together, and i found that i couldn't even remember feeling that way about him. the truth was hard to face, but i did it. now it's his turn. john is a drug addict. not just a line of coke or a couple pills here and there. i tried to help him...unselfishly. not that i wasn't concerned about our relationship, but he was (and still is) so far-gone that i was afraid for his well-being in every possible way. he was running the streets and coming home to me every night acting like nothing was up. i found all the evidence...crack pipes, pills, empty bags that once held a white substance (gee?), etc. not to mention all the thousands of lies i caught him in, missing money, personal belongings disappearing, him spending 20 minutes in the bathroom EVERY time he had to go. and i gave him so many chances to come clean with me, but up until the day i kicked his ass out of the house he was still lying about doing ANY kind of drugs. well, that was in october. within a couple of months he started writing me letters and dropping off gifts...all that "i'm so sorry crap" trying to get me back. but the thing he didn't realize and still doesn't is that i was over him long before i actually took the step of getting rid of him. the last 8-10 months of our relationship was me trying to help him and understand what was going on while he just went along thinking about how or when he was going to score. so every day i just kind of lost a little bit more until i finally woke up one day and just realized that i didn't love him anymore...i was just rolling with it thinking that somehow i'd make a difference. it is so difficult to explain the myriad of emotions i had during that time. i loved him and hated him to an extreme, but the worst part about it was how he made me feel about myself. it's unbelievable how one person's lack of self-worth can make another feel so shitty.

he says he's been clean since november. i never believed that though. i started to accept his phone calls in january...i accepted his apologies...i accepted his "honesty" about his addiction and all the other shit that he did and lied to me about. but i was honest as well and told him that i was not in love with him and have no desire to ever be with him again but that i could be his friend. well, he fucked that up too. i found out a couple of days ago that he was arrested in march for possession of narcotics. funny he hasn't mentioned it. i haven't spoken to him since i found out and don't know what to say to him when i do. do i just let him go to jail with his felony under his belt (and his lies)...or do i just confront it? he is just so fucked up. i know his court date is on friday. and my mom works with fucking drug addicts...he knew if he ever needed ANYTHING he could get it from her. i just don't get it.

but i guess i don't have to, right?

man, being a bartender is a great job, but the hours i've been keeping are just mental. i have to go to sleep! ugh.

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