05.18.03 - 8:13 p.m.
i've got a head rush...

i smoke too much.

well, my current phone line is getting shut down tomorrow...i have to get that dsl modem from my mom so my landlord can hook it up. i'm such a slacker sometimes. well, most of the time. fine...all the time. geez, force it outta me.

catie called yesterday to say that the move went well, but she's a little freaked out by all the confederate flags and blatant racist bullshit in the south. welcome to redneck central. yee haw!

writing diary entries when i come home drunk seems to be a bad idea...i'll go back and read it the next day and feel like a moron. well, when i look back on anything i do when i'm drunk i usually feel like a moron. 'nuf said.

john's letter yesterday was exactly what i thought it would be. i suspected that he had found out about the results of my 'investigation' concerning his legal troubles, and i was correct in my assumption. of course in his 'coming clean' letter he was still full of shit, trying to tell me that he was busted buying drugs back in november but wasn't charged until march. what a bunch of crap. his record states that he was busted for theft and possession of drug paraphernalia in november and then for possession of narcotics in march. still lying. still trying to cover his tracks. and still trying to get me back.

my theory is that he only wants to get back together with me because it's the only piece of the puzzle that he hasn't been able to fit back in comfortably. he has made amends with all the friends he fucked over, has gotten a job that he's actually stuck with and is legal, is supposedly clean and seeing a drug counselor, and has even bought new clothes and takes showers and gets his hair cut...but the one thing he fucked up that he can't fix is his relationship with me. it's as though he thinks that by appearing 'clean' i'll just jump at the chance to be with him. sorry charlie...not gonna happen.

i've tried explaining to him so many times how exactly it happened that i fell out of love with him, but he just doesn't get it. the last year of our relationship was based on his lies to cover up his addiction...and while i did everything to try to make everything 'ok', he continued to run the streets. i literally watched the degradation of him and our relationship, and as soon as i realized that there was nothing i could do i gave up. but i still hung on for a little while because there was an overwhelming feeling of being lost...lost without having love in my life, lost without having someone to depend on, lost because i knew that this was it. and i didn't want it to be. we were living together and talking about marriage and all that fairy tale bullshit, and i could't accept that i was going to lose what i thought was going to be the rest of my life.

but reality sunk in, and pretty soon it got to the point where i would do anything and everything to not have to see him, hear his voice, or let him touch me. and i thought back to all the times that he was out doing cocaine and smoking crack and god only knows what else, and i sat home crying and worrying...and he didn't care. and every day after that i felt less and less for him until there was nothing left...and then i told him i was done. he was at his worst then, i think. he didn't bathe, slept in his clothes and didn't change them for days, stopped working, sold most of what he owned, and actually had the nerve to ask me why i was so mean to him.

there's one particular incident that happened last summer that should have been the end, but i still hung in there. i had walked in on him in the bathroom while he was snorting oxycontin...i can't even express how angry i was, but everyone else knew because the black eye i gave him lasted for two weeks. and i am not a violent person...i had never hit anyone before. and of course there was the time, also last summer, that i stepped on a piece of a broken crack pipe. the excuses that flew out of his mouth were so ridiculous. hello...i don't live in a cave...i know what a fucking crack pipe looks like.

after writing this, i realize how angry i still am. oh well...moving on. and it's time to go to work.

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