03.26.04 - 3:00p.m.
i think i'm nuts

i think it's been about 2 weeks since i've been alone in my house. justin has been staying here, basically living here, for a few weeks. plus, my roommate, who is my other younger brother james, gets home from work at 6pm every day. AND THEN there's my pain in the ass boyfriend who THINKS he lives here. this place is too small for 4 people, let me tell ya.

i don't mind justin staying here at fact it's pretty fun. the only thing is that he's still finishing high school, and if he doesn't get his butt up and go i feel responsible. i even wake my sorry ass up in the morning to make sure he's up...but there's only so much i can do to force him. i mean, he's 19...he's pretty much got a mind of his own. if he's decided he's not going...he's not going.

and i think i've been pretty depressed lately. i know that sounds weird to say "i think", but the thing is i just don't really know. all i know is that i have a hard time being happy and every little thing sets me off, either crying or making me angry. it's like i have an eternal case of really awful pms.

most nights i can't fall asleep until 7 in the morning, and then i have a hell of a time dragging my ass out of bed at a somewhat decent hour. i never feel like doing anything...absolutely no motivation whatsoever. i've been blowing people off...not following through with plans i make...not calling anyone.

it seems like the one person i've taken it out on the most is john. i don't know why. for some reason every little thing he does or says drives me absolutely up a wall. it's not that i don't love him...i know that i do. but right now i'm having a hard time being around him. and if i don't understand what's going on with me, how in the hell am i supposed to explain it to him?

like the other day for instance...he came over in the afternoon and kept on bugging me to burn some cd's for him. (john's car was stolen back in november with all of his cd's in now when he buys a cd, he makes a copy of it at my house and only uses the burned copy in his car.) this bothers me. i can't say why exactly. i guess when someone gets so anal and weird it makes me want to slap them out of it. so anyway, i'm burning the cd, and just as the cd-rom spits out the disc after it read it, one of the cats jumps up on the kitchen counter (which is a HUGE no-no), and so i spin around in my chair to yell at it...knocking the cd tray with my knee while doing so. now the tray won't go back in the damn computer.

i got SO pissed. i was pissed off at john for being so silly about his cd's and the fact that he kept bugging me to burn them. i was pissed off at the cat for being naughty and making me turn around like that. but most of all i was mad at myself for doing something so stupid without thinking...even though i couldn't have even known it was going to happen because i never heard the tray come out. and really, it was an one's to blame, in reality anyway. but i still blamed john and the cat.

so i start crying and trying to shove that stupid tray back in the computer, as though that's really going to help. and john's like "it's just a computer...get it fixed". and that made me even more angry.

i ran in my room and bawled on my bed.

so john comes in "you haven't been very happy lately, have you?"

and that got me thinking. and so here i am.

i keep over-analyzing everything and subsequently causing myself to get anxiety over all of it...the possibility of losing my job soon, taking care of my brother, taking care of the house, trying to get my financial shit in order, my relationship with john, feeling like a total loser at the age of 28...what the fuck? this shit is peanuts compared to some of the other crap i've gone through in my life. but all of the sudden everything is of this monstrous proportion in my head, not leaving me time or energy for anything else.

i keep asking myself "what will make you happy?" ugh. there's no realistic answer to that.

i'm the only one that can change anything, but i'm too unmotivated to do so.

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