05.10.04 - 3:19 a.m.
anywhere but here

if i were to admit that i like a justin timberlake song, would that make me a bad person? there's just something about 'rock your body'. whatever.

well, i got to hang out with jackson tonight after i got off work. it's nice to hang out with a real friend...not just some bar acquaintance who doesn't really give a shit about you but rather what kind of deal they can get while you're working. we went to ynot and nick was working...he was pretty torn up so we offered to help him close. while doing so, nick's dad (the owner) walked in and yelled "OUT! GET OUT!" man, i felt like i was back in high school at some kid's party whose parents just walked in on us while smoking a bong...or something else of that nature. geez, we weren't even drinking or anything...just washing some dishes. not to mention the fact that jackson and i are both licensed bartenders, so they were in no danger of getting in any kind of trouble for us being there after 2.

i wish jackson hadn't moved away. ah, the things we women do for men...

and speaking of men, i don't think i want mine anymore. for real. he's just been getting on my nerves so bad the past few months. i know that sounds totally pathetic, but it's as though he does it on purpose. plus, he's breaking up with me every other week anyway. hey, just do it for good and get it over with, would ya?

that sounds so cold. it's so impossible for me to actually FEEL for him right now. i just don't know how to explain it. and it's not as though i want to be with somebody else...i don't AT ALL. and maybe that's just it...i don't want to be with anyone. including john.

i feel like an asshole. what do i do? this has been bugging me for awhile now. the emotions that i have for him are so fucked...i detest him and love him at the same time. how is this possible?

on saturday he just showed up at my house without calling, and my mom and grandma were over for dinner. and i just didn't want him here...eventually he did leave though, saying that he'd come see me at foundation later on. well, work was extremely busy and i hadn't been feeling well all day so i was not exactly in the best of moods. but he never understands that sort of thing and expects me to be "oh honey blah blah blah" and wait on him hand and foot even though i've got 10 other customers standing at the bar with their money out paying full price who deserve my attention...because that's my fucking job. my job is not to stand there and only pay attention to HIM.

so he just got up and left without saying anything to me...and then called and left me numerous voicemails telling me how mean and bitchy i am. so i turned my phone off and kept it off all day today. it's not as though i was ignoring him at the bar...i was totally busy either with customers or making sure we had enough clean glassware. i mean, we were that busy...low on glasses for crying out loud. not good when trying to keep people drinking all night.

we've had this argument many times before. he still doesn't get it though.

when i'm at work i do my JOB, and my job is to make sure the customers are taken care of and happy...that's what keeps the bar afloat. happy customers equals money in the register. when i'm working it is NOT my job to entertain my boyfriend and keep his shot glass full of grand marnier.

ugh. i just don't know.

to tell you the truth, i think i still have some hang ups over what we went through when we were together the first time, but he doesn't understand that either. he was a drug addict and lied to me about it and stole from me and made me feel like a piece of shit for over a year...i mean, he lied to me about everything because every single day was about making sure he got high and not letting me find out.

i don't even want to think about this anymore.

and i also don't want to smoke a salem, but i have to as i am out of camel lights.

right now i have that feeling of "i want to go home", but i am at home and it just doesn't make any sense.

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