06.04.04 - 3:25 a.m.
more sheep counting

i just got home from the slowest thursday night of work EVER. seriously. thursdays are usually decent nights at the bar, but jesus christ if this wasn't the slowest i've ever seen. don't these fucking people know that i need to buy a car...geez.

so anyway, i've still been thinking about things that i shouldn't be...years have passed and there's really nothing you can do about a person dying, but i always think 'what if?'...there's a million and one 'what if's', but the big one is 'what if i had been a better friend?' ugh. it sucks. and i don't really know where this came from. i guess sometimes i just miss "the old days"...not all of them...just a chosen few. and now i'm older and somewhat wiser, but everything is so damn boring now. everything is the same old same old, you know? been there, done that. whatever.

so i had this friend ray. i called him ray ray...he was like a brother to me. i met him when i was 18 or 19. he was a dorky teddy bear in a wife beater and backpack with bad irish pride tattoos, but we shared the same love of hardcore and house of pain. we used to go to the under age clubs together and dance like nerds, and then go hang out at pizza shuttle or george webb's. his friends meant everything to him and always had our matter what. even when he had a girlfriend he still made time for me, and after he'd spend the night at whom ever's house he'd stop by mine on the way home to see if i wanted to get coffee and cheesy potatoes at comet. one time he wanted me to come to chicago to meet his mom, but we got sidetracked and ended up stopping at a party held by one of his old friends from high school instead. he had pretty much been alienated by all of his friends from high school because they were all from jehovas witness families, and ray had gone his own way long before they had. but we went to this party where they were all drinking and smoking and had piercings and all that crap that's frowned upon, yet they still treated him like crap. and i felt terrible for him. he took it like a champ though, and we headed back to milwaukee where no one gave a shit about what his mom's religion said he was supposed to be. but ray went his own way again...but this time it was cocaine and eventually heroine. he was working at a club and just did what everyone else was doing, including my roommate and best friend (teri) at the time. i couldn't stand to see it and moved out of my house...away from teri and subsequently away from ray. he started to get into the whole raver scene at the time too, but i tend to think it was only for the drugs. a year or two later i heard he was in jail...then all of the sudden he was dead of a heroine overdose. i think it was in 1998. supposedly, he was found in his jail cell...he had been out on a work release program and had somehow smuggled drugs in. teri was the one to tell me about him, and the only thing i could muster to say was "ray's been dead to me for a long time". i think she was shocked by that, but it was true. the ray i had known as a brother wouldn't have done those things. and i didn't go to the funeral. i later heard from old friends of mine who were also good friends of ray's that the funeral was a total disaster. most of the people from milwaukee that attended were his drug buddies and just made a mess of it. several years later his mom was featured in 'milwaukee magazine' for an article about the rise of heroine use in this area. she seemed so bitter, as if living in THIS city had anything to do with it. i just feel like she should know that the death of her only son wasn't caused by this city and that everyone here isn't addicted to drugs. ray had good friends at one time, but he made a choice. he just made the wrong one. he always called me "yittle nicki" even though i'm not little, but i thought it was cute.

wouldn't it be great if we, as humans, could just go into our brains and actually pick out certain thoughts or ideas or likes or dislikes that we don't want anymore? like pick them out and flush them down the toilet or bury them in the backyard or throw them in a blender and chop them to bits. i don't want to think about my job...or i really WANT to like mushrooms...or i don't want to love this person anymore...TO JUST BE ABLE TO BANISH ANY THOUGHT THAT YOU DON'T WANT IN YOUR HEAD.

but then i guess we wouldn't be human then.

i'm really not going to be able to sleep.

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