07.19.04 - 4:10 a.m.
i've been so damn tired lately. there's something wrong. either i'm dying of some terrible disease...or i'm just a lazy-ass bitch.
but seriously...i find myself nodding off in the middle of the afternoon only hours after i've actually risen from an 8-9 hour slumber. this is highly unusual for me.
ever since i was a little kid i always had this feeling that i was going to die at a young age. there's really no reasoning behind it...just a gut feeling, if you will. and to be completely honest, i don't mind that at all.
sure, i'd like to get married and have kids and accomplish things and travel and try to make a difference to someone or something etc etc...but i've felt so shitty for so long that i just don't care.
when was the last time i was actually happy? i know that happiness means a multitude of different things to different people...and to be totally truthful, i just don't know what, if anything, actually makes me happy.
maybe it's just been so long that i've forgotten...or maybe i never knew.
it's as though i've gotten stuck in the mud while wearing some god-awful rubber boots. how do i get out of it and not get full of the shit? there's just no way.
i've become such an angry miserable person.
and i just don't care anymore.
there have been many trying times in my life...just like anybody else. loneliness and sadness and general feelings of shit are no stranger to me...but i can't ever remember feeling so angry.
and anger is truly evil. it fills your head with rotten thoughts...and ultimately makes you an impossible person.
i'd like to just go to bed and stay there forever...don't knock on my door-don't call me-just leave me be...
alone in my bed.
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