07.31.04 - 4:32 a.m.
figure 8

what the fuck is going on?


there's some crazy-ass shit going on with everyone right now.

is it a full moon? i forgot to check...

i am a paranoid, pessimistic type just waiting for something to happen to me.

bad, nicki. bad.

but i suppose i should thank my lucky stars that i've only gotten a broken window this week instead of a broken heart OR head, for that matter.

thank you.

typical me...always so worried about other people that i forget to pay attention to my own matters...

which leads me to this...since stacey broke up with buddy, she's been wanting to hang out. this is all fine and good, but i still have some unresolved issues with her. i understand that she needs a friend right now, and i really enjoy going out with her, but she can be so damn wishy-washy as a friend.

john even said to me the other day "just because she needs someone right now doesn't mean that she has changed". and i know he's right.

but dammit, we've had some really good times's not that i'm naive enough to think that all of the sudden she's going to be my 'best friend' or anything like that. why can't i just go out and have a good time?

every single time that i've gone through shitty things in my life (for at least the past several years, anyway) i've had someone around to help me...someone that i could, at the very least, hang with here and there. is it so wrong to want to return that?

karma. i believe in it and live by it. what can i say?

i don't think this makes me a sucker...i'd like to think that i'm a fairly intelligent person and capable of making mature decisions. this doesn't necessarily mean that they are "good" decisions but well thought-out, none the less.

it seems as though every time that someone i know is going through some sort of crisis, i wind up worrying myself over it...even more-so than i do with my own problems sometimes.

i spent the better part of my day worrying about someone that i don't even know all that well but definitely do care about, and i find myself just wishing that she could wake up tomorrow with everything back to the way it was a week ago...but even better.

we're only human, after all, and we all make mistakes. it's just unfortunate that most of the people around us focus so intently on THOSE mistakes rather than their own AND do whatever they can to point them out. it's all bullshit.

i'm no fucking angel, but it's really nobody else's business either. i don't need some asshole butting their nose in where it doesn't belong...

especially when it comes to my relationship with john. it's no secret that john fucked up royally our first time around. we were together for a year and a half...a year and a half of lies and deception. he was a drug addict (and will always be a drug addict), but in that time he was using he lied about every single thing he did every day because every single thing he did involved getting or using drugs... but we fell in love.

so when we got back together after a year apart, i got shit from EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNEW...including his friends.

but over the past 10 months that we've been back together i've been on a total emotional roller coaster with this relationship because of all the shit he put me through before. yes, he's clean now and has been for quite awhile, but that doesn't take away the shit he put me through before.

so now those same friends of his that were more than willing to put in their 2 cents about how shitty he was to me when he was using, are the same people that have the audacity to talk shit about ME in our current relationship. don't these people get it? it's not as though i can just jump back in and completely and totally trust him in every takes time to get that shit back.

i spent a year and a half with a guy that lied about EVERYTHING (except how he felt about me), stole from me, and who, for many months, couldn't even have sex with me because he was so fucked up.

there are so many things making me angry right now...what the fuck is wrong with people?

seriously, what the FUCK?

why is it so damn hard for people to mind their own business?

friendly advice or a shoulder to cry on is fine; everyone needs that, but unwarranted bullshit abounds. i don't get it.

and most of the time those that talk the biggest shit are the worst offenders...THEY are the ones out there hurting people and generally acting like assholes. THEY are the ones that the rest of us use as models for "who we don't want to be like".

maybe they know that. maybe it pisses them off and THAT'S why they have to do such shitty things.

so many people act mean to belittle others just so they feel "bigger" and "better". i don't get it. it's not justified.

i'm going to bed.

"you'll take advantage til you think you're being used

'cos without an enemy your anger gets confused

and i got stuck on a side you know i never chose

but it's all aobut taking the easy way out for you i suppose

there's no escape for you except in someone else

although you've already disappeared within yourself

the invisible man who's always changing clothes

it's all about taking the easy way out for you i suppose

while i watch you making mistakes i wish you luck, i really do

with the problem, with the puzzle

whatever's left of you

i heard you found another audience to bore

a creative thinker who imagined you were more

a new body for you to push around and pose

it's all about taking the easy way out for you i suppose

it's all about taking the easy way out for you i suppose" e.s.

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