05.02.03 - 3:46 a.m.

another night of drunken mayhem. what can i say? i mean, you only live once (in this body, anyway), right?

my bartending duties were over at it was on to another bar i went. that's usually how it goes.

still haven't heard from john, but that is probably a good thing because i'm afraid of what i might say to him. "hey loser, have fun in prison. crack is harder to come by in there. good luck buddy." yeah, that's about it.

man! do i attract total winners, or what?

i've been technically single since december, and i thoroughly enjoy it...yet i feel like something is missing. sex is not important to me, but i do enjoy the thrill of the chase. there is nothing wrong with that! i'm in this situation where i don't necessarily want a boyfriend, but a date or someone to hang out with every now and then would certainly be nice. ugh. a girl can never's insane.

psycho ex-roommate jeff keeps calling me. he needs to just back the fuck off. after i kicked john out of the house jeff was my only option for someone to move in. it was not a good option mainly because of the fact that we had started dating, but i was under the impression that we had it all figured out...he was in a rough situation, as was i, and it was temporary. separate bedrooms...the whole bit. i knew the consequences, but i was also very honest and firm with him as to how this was going to go. the roommate situation was to have nothing to do with the dating situation. how naive was i?

truth be told, i was never totally into the dating thing with him. unfortunately, he took it much more seriously, and when i told him in december that i needed time to myself (A LOT of time) he went nuts. this is something that has never happened to me before so it was just an absolutely insane situation. things got very abusive on his part immediately and i told him to leave. this guy is a very frightening individual...and he still won't leave me the fuck alone. he finally moved out at the end of february, but he still calls me on an almost daily basis. i am honestly scared of him. he's threatened me with so many different things...his last one was to have my credit ruined. i guess while he was living here he went through my stuff and found all of my personal information. what a freak. he not only got physically and verbally abusive, but now he's threatening other bullshit too. it's hard to understand how someone can be that way.

while he was still living in this house i would do whatever it took to not have to be at home. i would stay at work as long as possible or go to a friend's house...anything just to not have to come home. but these things always backfired...if i stayed out past 4 a.m. he'd start calling my cell phone...or i'd get home late and as soon as i'd walk in the door he'd start hounding me "where were you? who were you with? you're a fucking whore" etc. if i went into my room he was constantly trying to get in or yelling shit at me. this was every night for months and months...even when we were still "dating" which really only lasted a month or so.

don't get me wrong, i totally know how i fucked up on this one. but it just seemed as though he knew where i was coming from and understood the situation from DAY 1. obviously i was wrong. it got to the point where some mutual friends of ours came to the house to take him to the fucking hospital because of his apparent insanity. he was constantly threatening to kill himself and also do harm to me...i felt like i couldn't win and still do because he's still calling me all the time and threatening me with all kinds of bullshit.

this type of situation is completely foreign to me. these types of things i see only in movies or books or with friends of friends. know what i mean? it's been 11 years since i was involved in any kind of "strange" situation, but i was only 16 then and the circumstances were really fucked as most things are when you're that age. now i'm constantly watching my back...this guy is capable of anything.

my only saving grace is the fact that i've had a couple of crushes since december. crushes are the best for a multitude of reasons, but first and foremost is the fact that IT'S MERELY A CRUSH. it's not like you're totally emotionally involved or just go along your merry way, and life is exactly as it was. you can run into him and your heart beats a million miles a minute, not know what to say, and then run into the bathroom not really sure if it's because you feel sick or because you want to make sure that you don't have anything in your teeth. it is one of the oldest, greatest, most wonderfully ignorant feelings in the world.

hmmmm...i'm going to call my crush "Gus". basically some mutual friends of ours had tried to set the two of us up this past fall, without actually introducing us. weird, i know. but sometimes that's how it goes. we each knew where the other person worked (we're both bartenders, fancy that) so we pretty much just started visiting each others' bar. over a period of SEVERAL months (including the time when psycho was still living in my house) we hung out quite a few times after bar or at other bars when we'd run into each other and pretty much became friends. he's a really good looking guy, but his reputation with girls isn't exactly pristine. i am completely and utterly attracted to him though, so at least i know if i ever want to kick it he'd probably be down with it...but that's usually not my thing. he has asked me to go with him a couple times, but i'm a good little girl and say no. or maybe i'm just stupid. whatever. unfortunately i am so analytical and practical sometimes. why can't i just do things like that every now and then?

meow meow meow

but just a couple weeks ago i met another guy that is super cool. we hit it off right away, and i was so close to asking him for his number or something but totally chickened out. we had a lot in common and had great conversation...but then the next time i saw him he was with another girl, the circumstances of which i do not know. but stupid me! and of course i saw him again tonight...and of course it was totally cool, but yet again i chickened out.

maybe i still need time out of the whole dating thing...but i'm not getting any younger here!

enough of this bullshit...sorry to be such a bore.

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