09.15.04 - 5:29 p.m.
relief

::sigh::

well, i did it.

i called john on monday night after having avoided his million and one phone calls. i told him that we should get together and talk tuesday...he right away asked if i was breaking up with him. but it wasn't supposed to happen over the phone...that's just not right. but he kept asking, and i relented and told him "yes".

immediately i was the cold-hearted bitch for breaking up with him over the phone. um, hello? this pisses me off because now i am totally the bad guy...totally. but he asked and i couldn't lie about it. i just couldn't.

so the past couple of days have been phone calls and letters..."how could you do this to me?" "why are you so mean?" "you're never going to find someone else to put up with your shit." blah blah blah.

it's not as if i never told him that i wasn't happy. it came up all the time. i tried, i really did. i thought that if i could just stick it out with him everything would be ok. but the fact of the matter is that i wasn't in love with him anymore, and nothing that either he or i would do or say would make that come back.

but he doesn't see it that way.

and immediately he brings up how his 'friends' always said how horrible i was to him and all that same old crap. whatever. these are the same 'friends' that have been asking me this whole year "why'd you get back together with john? he's such a loser."

fuck everyone. i don't care what people think about this. they don't know how i feel...nor do they care.

john and i know a lot of people...they're not all friends of mine, but i do know them. i'm not going to be able to anywhere without getting interrogated...especially if i'm hanging out with another guy.

and yes, i've hung out with bryan. he's a really nice person and we have great conversation and a lot of fun together. but that's what we do...we just 'hang out'. and it's nice.

and now i have to wonder who it's going to be that narcs on me to john for being seen with another guy. it's ridiculous.

this fucking city is too small sometimes.

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