02.29.04 - 4:56 a.m.

i'm pissed.

every time john gets drunk he argues with me. every fucking time. and it's usually a night when i'm working and remain sober all night. then we come home and he starts some stupid argument.

he just left because he says that i accuse him of cheating on me with this girl margaret that he hung out with while we were broken up. it's not that i think he's cheating...i just think that he's not completely honest with me about their friendship. and i know this for a fact...i saw her number in his call list in his cell phone. but i can't tell him that i saw it because he'll assume i was going through his private things...but the way i saw it is a long story...

on valentine's day (2 weeks ago) john and i were hanging out. we had gone out for lunch and did a little shopping, then came home to watch a movie. while we were watching the movie he got 2 phone calls...both of which he did not answer. finally i asked him who was calling...he told me it was margaret, who he had supposedly not talked to for a couple of months. so i mentioned how convenient it was that she would be calling on valentine's day when she knew he would be with me. basically he just shrugged it off.

well, after the movie was over he went to take a shower and lo and behold, his phone rang. i took a look at the number, not recognizing it, and went into his call log to see if it was the same number that had called earlier. on my way into the incoming calls list, i took a look at the outgoing calls...noticing that the same number that just called was one that he had dialed 2 days prior. it was her number.

when he got out of the shower i told him that she had called again and inquired as to why she would be so insistent. he went on to tell me, again, that he had not spoken to her for months, not knowing that i knew he had called her 2 days ago. he lied. i know he lied. and he's still lying.

so john came into the bar tonight while i was working and margaret called him (mind you, she knows where i work on saturdays and knows that john will be there). she wanted to know what he was doing because she was with a bunch of guys that john knows and they wanted to hang out with him. margaret has a habit of coming in on saturdays...she's got an incredible amount of nerve for someone so young...and i always ignore her. i don't want to start anything, yet i don't want her to feel as though she's welcome either.

this is so fucked up for me because generally i'm not a jealous person. i have many male friends that i hang out with on a consistent basis...some of them even ex boyfriends or ex "somethings". but none of these guys would ever even consider butting into any relationship i have or force themselves into an obviously uncomfortable situation. they are friends...i have no need to lie or be deceptive in any way about the relationship i may have with any one of them. but obviously john feels the need to lie to me about margaret. if he had just admitted to me that he talks to her sometimes...or even hangs out with her occasionaly...i wouldn't feel at all like i do right now. of course i wouldn't necessarily like it...i admit that. but as long as he's not lying to me it's all good. then i can deal with it..."it" being their friendship. even though i know that she still has a thing for him (it's ridiculously obvious), i would be okay IF HE WERE FUCKING HONEST about it.

anyway, when we got home everything was fine...i don't even know how we got on the subject of her calling, but we did. immediately he got defensive and mean...saying things about the fact that i dated someone right after him and although he hung out with margaret while we weren't together, he never liked her like that and didn't mess around. never mind the fact that he was a drug addict who lied to me every day and wanted nothing to do with me except to take advantage of me for nearly most of our relationship. when we broke up i was completely rebounding with the next guy i was terrible. i hated every minute of it, but i knew that i couldn't be with the person that i wanted to.

it's all so fucked up.

i'm sure i'll look back at this and feel really fucking stupid, but i guess that's just old hat for me. i always feel stupid.

but sometimes it's just so damn hard to trust people...especially if it's someone that has given you reasons not to in the past.

right now i hate him, but i think i hate myself even more.

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