09.08.04 - 3:56 p.m.

john just keeps on going as though everything is ok...everything's the same old same old. but it's so obviously NOT.

maybe i've been trying to sabotage this relationship...make him hurt the way he hurt me 2 years ago. i was fabulously, hopelessly in love. was. that feeling isn't coming back.

things have not been going well since this past winter. that's a long fucking time. i feel like such an asshole.

and now i have this crush. it's totally innocent and will probably blow over pretty quick, but it's there NOW. if i really loved john i wouldn't have a fucking crush on someone else. bottom line.

and i think that the crush just might have a crush on me too. talk about a recipe for disaster.

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